Part 1: Finding God in the Chaos

There’s a moment in life that forever splits your world into “before” and “after.” For me, that moment came when I was just 17 years old. My dad—my anchor, my safe place, the man whose laughter could make everything feel okay—passed away suddenly. He was only 41. I was only 17.

The day he died, my world went silent. Not the kind of silence that’s peaceful, but the kind that echoes in every corner of your heart. I felt like I had been unplugged from life itself. Everything I thought I knew about safety, love, and life had vanished overnight.

People around me assumed I’d “get over it.” Family said time heals all wounds. But grief isn’t neat. It doesn’t follow schedules. And at that age, I didn’t have the tools to navigate the storm I suddenly found myself in.

I went looking for something—anything—to fill the empty space left by my dad’s absence. I looked for love in all the wrong places. I tolerated relationships that chipped away at my confidence. I accepted attention from people who didn’t value me, just to feel seen. Alcohol became my escape. Numbness became my habit.

And while I smiled on the outside, inside I was completely stuck. Stuck in cycles I didn’t know how to break. Stuck far from God. Stuck far from myself.

The Moment I Realized I Couldn’t Do It Alone

There comes a point when you get tired of running on autopilot. When you realize that no relationship, no distraction, no temporary fix can heal the brokenness you carry.

For me, that moment came quietly, without fireworks or dramatic proclamations. It was just me, alone with the truth: “I can’t live like this anymore.”

I had two choices: stay in the chaos, or find a foundation that could hold me. That foundation had to be bigger than myself. It had to be permanent, unshakable, and pure. It had to be God.

Turning to God in My Messiness

I used to think I had to “fix myself” before I came to God. I believed I needed to have my life together, my emotions sorted, my past neatly tucked away. But that’s not how God works. He doesn’t wait for you to be perfect. He meets you exactly where you are, even in the messiest parts of your life.

I started small. Simple prayers. Honest conversations with God, like I would with a friend. Sometimes it was just, “Lord, please help me.” Other times it was, “I don’t understand this pain, but I trust You.”

Slowly, I began to feel a shift. As I leaned into Him, clarity returned. I realized my worth didn’t depend on who loved me or didn’t, and my identity wasn’t determined by my mistakes. I was being pruned, repositioned, and prepared for a future I couldn’t see yet.

The Power of Faith as a Foundation

Faith gave me a new lens. Every setback, heartbreak, or disappointment was no longer a curse—it was preparation. I began to see that being “stuck” wasn’t the end. It was a season designed to redirect me, to teach me resilience, to grow my heart in ways I couldn’t imagine.

The beauty of pursuing God is that you don’t have to see the whole picture. You don’t have to understand the plan. You only need to take the next step, even when it’s small, even when it’s painful, even when it’s terrifying.

Looking Ahead

This foundation in God would eventually prepare me to rebuild my body, reclaim my confidence, and embrace motherhood. But none of that could happen until I first anchored myself in Him.

If you’re feeling lost or stuck, start here. You don’t need to fix everything today. You just need to show up, be honest, and take one step toward Him. He will meet you there.

Next in the series: How I rebuilt myself through fitness, discipline, and consistency, and how movement became a form of therapy that changed everything.



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